It’s been a little over a week since the tragic loss of Kobe and Gigi Bryant and I continue to be taken aback by the universal visceral reaction I am seeing in others. I am compassionate and empathetic to a fault so the weight and sadness I felt reading the news came without surprise. But, the deep, and seemingly personal, reactions I notice others having are catching me off guard. Very few people have the ability to evoke such a strong reaction in others.
Days after the news broke, my dad forwarded me a note from a colleague of his. He read an article in the New York Times five years ago about Kobe Bryant’s approach to performance anxiety and “playing in the clutch.” The colleague bracketed an excerpt that resonated with him and he has kept the article in his top desk drawer ever since. The excerpt read “There’s an infinite groove. Whether you make the shot or miss it is inconsequential.” He went on to reflect on the impact that article and Kobe Bryant’s legacy has left on him, noting that Kobe missed more shots than he made and specifically questioning, “could [Kobe] have been a Hall of Fame player if he had paralyzed himself with worry about shots he had taken and missed?”
I’ve given a lot of thought to this idea of “fear of failure” this last year. In today’s world, there is an overemphasis on output and delivery. There is a never-ending comparison to and competition with others, especially given today’s social media presence in our lives. And navigating the unnerving ambiguity of adulthood, questioning what you’re doing, what you “should” be doing, if you’re doing “enough” … is plaguing. Coming from someone who was born with something to prove and is about as strong-willed as they come, performance anxiety is still admittedly an insecurity. For me, it presents itself in the form of potentially not “measuring up” to what I expect for and out of myself. I surveyed close ones - male, female, older, younger … although it looks different for everyone, we all experience our own pressures and resistance. Not one person could claim that he or she didn’t experience it in his or her own way.
I love this idea of “playing in the clutch.” This refers to any activity that is crucial in determining the success or failure of a venture. The stress levels in modern day society, which are higher than ever, constantly persuade us to feel like we are playing in the clutch and that every choice we make is do or die. We think that when given two choices, one will mean failure and one will mean success. A friend sent me a quote recently that read, “if you obsess over whether you are making the right decision, you are basically assuming that the universe will reward you for one thing and punish you for another. The universe has no fixed agenda. Once you make any decision, the universe works around that decision. There is no right or wrong, only a series of possibilities that shift with each thought, feeling, and action that you experience.” Nothing happens to you; everything happens for you. But you have to take ownership for yourself. Of course you are going to fail if you succumb to the circumspect immobilization induced by the fear of failure. That immobilization will prevent you from reaching your goal because it prevents you from doing anything at all. Mambo said it best - “if you’re afraid to fail then you’re probably going to fail.”
What does failure even mean? Without sounding too cliché, I think it’s valuable to cognitively reframe “failure.” Growth does not exist without failure. Failure is just information … and it’s inconsequential.
It’s led me to hold on to two questions.
Are you happy doing what you are doing?
Are you doing your best?
Don’t get me wrong. I easily get distracted from those questions. I succumb to the output and delivery pressures; I question what I am doing and if I’m doing enough. Luckily, I don’t do well adhering to anyone’s standards other than my own, and I find productivity and accomplishment to be crucial to my well-being. But neither of those qualities nullifies my personal struggle with the fear. Strengthen your ability to step back into a bigger perspective, compartmentalize any fears and focus on working hard and working for you. My dad had one rule growing up. He had others but I never paid those any attention … it was and still is “don’t be afraid.”
Kobe had an unwavering dedication to himself and to his passion. Regardless of his stats, he kept moving, kept playing, kept showing up. Showing up is a responsibility we each have to ourselves. What matters is we take ownership and continue to take every shot. The more you focus on the shot you just missed, the more you will hinder your future performance because you won’t be ready. Get out of your own way. However that game translates itself into your life, show up, do your best and don’t be afraid.
My whole heart goes out to the Bryant family; that degree of loss and pain is unfathomable. Ironically, one of his most famous quotes is “the most important thing is to try and inspire people so that they can be great at whatever they want to do.” He is survived by many people and things, but his inspiration is what I’ve seen most people hold onto. Rest in Peace.
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